To You...

I remember when I saw it, the inconvenient truth within your tears that wipes away any delusion of happiness or contentment. Perhaps, that’s too heavy of a pronouncement. Let’s just say, at that moment, you realized that the Gods offer many passageways through life and we oftentimes take the path of least resistance; not knowing that this shepherds us to a life full of subtle regrets and micro-aggressions.  Compunctious your life may be, don’t offer utterance to the fact! You have love that abides any semblance of misgivings.  So, stay strong and make your decisions with a clear heart and a hearty constitution. Post-hoc examinations of past decisions only lead to distress. There is only the present, the past doesn’t exist, all that matters is what we decide today in our beating hearts.

I hope this letter finds you well. For it catches me in the middle of the night, my heart thumping, and words screaming out of my head. I have to tell you something, someone something! So, I choose to do it indirectly. I want to get the words out in the ether, marinate on them a bit, and perhaps correct them. Then, when I thoroughly understand them, present them with the heady delivery I always use when I’m impassioned about something; eyes welling and voice cracking. I want to reignite that fire that sits smoldering in your stomach. That fire that burned for me, I know it did. That fire that causes you to curse my name and tell me truths about myself that I am loathed to admit. I’m not destined to spend forever with you, and that’s okay. I have resigned myself to a less noble fate. All I want is that smoldering feeling, because I haven’t felt it since.

I told you that night wasn’t a date. You protested and declared that, due to our lengthy absence away from each other, it was. We had to get to know each other again. But I already know you! I know what makes you cry and I know what makes you laugh. This proved to be wrong early on. You told me that the food I picked was disgusting and the timing really didn’t match up well with your sleep schedule; it was already one in the morning. But you endured through the night. I showed you a city I love and we walked through a park; you calling me a wimp because I wouldn’t attempt to climb on a train. You, in turn, showed me where you grew up, naming cousins and the old pervert’s houses as we drove by. We shared stores of dysfunction while I navigated those country miles.  Dysfunction only understands dysfunction. That’s why you understand me and I you. Stories of facile love pervade the past of people like us. That’s why I was both comforted and yet, disquieted while I watched you walk away. Perhaps I won’ t meet the one who understands my trepidations or, maybe I did.

We are all but one thing, one substance! While not universally accepted, I propose we get a glimpse of that truth in love.  The desire to form such a bond while extinguishing thoughts of the self is a sacred thing. It’s the closest that most of we, laymen, will ever get to enlightenment. Not understanding that this can extend to all living creatures, we resign ourselves to the search for what will make us whole.

On Being a Terrible Conversationalist

 “If you don’t want to know the answer don’t ask me the questions," she says smirking.I put aside my chopsticks and stared into her blue eyes, wondering how true the statement she just uttered rang. In a world where superficial statements are gilded by pseudo-self reflective pronouncements, I was taken aback by the sheer frankness of her words. People don’t speak like this. In interviews, on dates, in many other social encounters, we are asked to present ourselves, “Who are you?”  However, instead of presenting our authentic selves we follow the prescribed script of rattling of insipid facts. Resulting in two individuals, one hour later, no closer to closing the chasm that is the self. She however, bucks that trend. The conversation was thoroughly one-sided. I, pitching prodding question after prodding question and her attacking them like softballs.We spoke of the past, the real past! The past that actually can define you! Music preferences followed a comparison of therapy notes. I enjoyed every minute of it. As the conversation progressed, it felt as if the table separating us shrunk. 

There was truth in her statements. Truth that typically is impeded by our general lack of humility. In public, we must present ourselves as strong and impenetrable. However, a reticence to speak about a perceived imperfection is weakness. I believe there is strength in humility and strength in vulnerability. 

I recently read a book concerning introverts. I’ve always considered myself one and I wanted to understand, at a deeper level, what that meant. Specifically, I was interested in a conversational proclivity that I couldn’t seem to shake. I cannot engage in small talk. I have been told that it is the foundation of building rapport. However, I am utterly disinterested in any form it takes. I don’t watch much t.v., I listen to obscure music, and I am a pop culture pariah. Needless to say, I don’t make much of a house guest. But, ask me what drives me or tell me what drives you and I can come alive! I want to know what keeps you up at night before you tell me about the best show on Netflix. Sometimes I find comfort in these facile conversations, as we all do. It’s very easy to go on autopilot and talk about music or movies. I am at no risk of offending someone due to my penchant for low budget indie films and my love of Japanese anime. However, If I tell you I believe in the redistribution of wealth or that I wept while listening to the post-hoc justification uttered by Bob McCulloch for a decision he had previously made, you make take offense. You may not like me, and don’t we all want to be liked? I disagree, I think our biggest goal is to be understood and to understand. I know that’s one of mine! So I’ll begin to hold steadfast to that. Maybe i’m not ready to commune with someone over coffee and tell them that perhaps the past isn’t the past; all the time, and that it sometimes manifests itself in cigarette buds and words solemnly scribbled in red notebooks. However, maybe I can tell you about my dreams and aspirations. Then after, we can talk about our shared love for the 1975’s. 

The Alexander Project: notes on world domination

“Where going to take over the fucking world!” I remember proclaiming this to a friend while we sat in his dorm room, pre-gaming for the night’s momentous proceedings. These words were not simply byproducts of a 19 year olds penchant for Aristocrat and cranberry juice; they were heartfelt! In fact, we had discussed or plan that previous morning in full sobriety. I wholeheartedly desired to do just that! Consequently, I had a notebook that detailed my pseudo plan for attaining world domination. I won’t tell you any details (perhaps one day I will use that notebook).  I can only say that every time I wrote within those pages my heart raced a thousand miles. There, within those pages, was an idea far more immense then myself!

I believe we all, at some point in our lives, held steadfast to a dream that superseded us. However, those notions, abated by the gale forces of reality, quickly fade into the background as obligations increase. As a young adult, I can still conjure up those feelings; utilizing that old notebook as a catalyst. However, they are less vivid and they feel more distant. I fear the day is approaching wherein I will pick up this notebook and I won’t be moved at all.  Is that how the last vestiges of adolescence fades; exuberant conversations about how I want to change the world replaced with corporate advancement and retirement talk?

I don’t know if I’m ready to give up on that old notebook. Some tactics need revision and the timeline needs adjusting, but its still a good plan. I wonder will I ever carry it out…

The Chapter's almost over, but I'm not finished reading...

Apprehension: this word sums up my feelings of the future. I fear what will happen next semester as well as next year. It is my fourth year in college and, as convention suggest, I should be preparing for the real world. Or at least a venture into graduate studies. However, I still feel this grave sense of trepidation. As if I am not ready for a world without textbooks and facile organizations.  The outside world is a malevolent beast, ever consuming the souls of good intentioned youths. I don't have the fortitude to withstand such an attack; not yet. Maybe it's irrational, but I wholeheartedly believe if I could hold-off this societal yearning for normative compliance for a few more months maybe even a year, then I would be better-off. Better prepared to face a capitalistic society where one is judged solely on productivity and his net-worth. I can acknowledge my frightfulness. I am scared, not of failure. Well, yes, I am scared of failure. Not in the sense that I will fail to meet societal norms. But in the sense that I will be consumed with such an aspiration, abandoning the things that I hold dear.

I don't care for money, i've never had it. But a few weeks ago I found myself applying to a consumer-banking management training program. All the while thinking; "This will be great, you'll leave college with a great job. What more can you ask for?". I found myself blatantly lying to my interviewer when she questioned me on what I believed to be the societal importance of banking. I couldn't sit there and tell her that I believed this system is built on shaky ground; on the assumption that we will always hold the fiat dollar in covetous reverence. She has chosen to stake her life into such an assumption; that would be disrespectful. And yet, earlier today I began my preparation for the second round of interviews and applications. Should I stop? Should I retract my applications for fear that in attaining this job I lose my self? I don't know, thats something that I will have to deliberate upon when the job is at-hand. 

I haven't applied to law school. Truthfully, I haven't even taking the LSAT. This is because every time I think of my entrance into law school I begin to dream of corporate law. I dream of thwarting class-action law suites raised for legitimate reasons. I was talking to a hiring representative of Georgia Pacific and I was telling him about my aspirations of protecting multi-million dollar companies from frivolous lawsuits levied by disgruntled employees. After all, corporations are people too.  I never had that aspiration until I saw him in that office on that day. 

I have relegated these thoughts to the back of my mind for too long. They need time to questioned; give them some walking around money. Sorry if these seems to be a round-about to say what I really mean. I'm not ready to graduate from college! But there is this pressure for me to graduate in four years; that has never been my goal. I wanted to learn as much as I felt like I needed to learn. I haven't reached that yet. The clock is winding down, however. Soon I will have to make that determination; whether to continue on until I'm fed or join the world. 

Somebody Help!!!

It's been to long

I have abandoned my blog and it has been quite some time since I posted anything of substantial value. The last few post were facile at best and this blog is meant to be an exercise in introspection. I find it very difficult to write about topics that might shed light on some of the darker recesses that I possess, that we all posses. However, I see this as a beneficial exercise. When we are able to publicly admit our vices we become more prepared to change them or accept them as a genuine part of us. That being said, today and in later post I will present you a part of myself that doesn't come up in the mundane and facile conversations that we subject ourselves to daily. In these posts I will answer the questions that we are so apt to disregard. 

I fear change more than I fear dying, failing, and other drastic things. Change forces you to, once again, become acquainted to unsavory parts of yourself that have been hiding in the people you know or the things you do. My transition from UAB to UA has reminded me of and exaggerated some of my social vices. One of the things that I've noticed of myself is how desperately I cling to the past. I find myself in conversation talking about things that I did at UAB more then things I am doing now. When I realize what I am doing, I put much more effort into not talking about those things. Along with that, I find myself always thinking about relationship that I have or had in the past. I honestly probably think about the past more than I think about people that are here in the present. (I don't mean past as a finality but in a since of the usual) If I’m going to be completely honest, my actions probably reflect that sort of thinking as well. While I want to maintain those relationships I also need to start building fruitful ones where I am now. I believe this also trickles down to my interaction with women as well. I find myself clinging on to past flings (I wouldn't call them relationships) and not actively trying to search for something new. This is not a new occurrence but I  think it is more personally noticeable now. I have to force myself to actively interact with new girls and not text, call, email, or Facebook chat any of the girls in the past. I enjoy the simplicity of familiarity.  I could delve in to this more but I'm satisfied with it now. Thanks for reading! 

P.S. To the few people who read what I write, I say thank you for being interested in me enough to read some of my rants and reflections. I hope that I am equally interested in you and if I'm not, I should be. So if you have a blog or something similar please send me a link!!! 

Also, this is not a fashion blog or any shit like that. Never expect me to post a picture of shoes or celebrities wearing shoes. I don't give a fuck about fashion. 

Maurice Foster 

working out

I was working out this morning and a paraplegic began working out next to me. I have never seen someone in a wheelchair workout in the rec at UAB so I was interested in what he would do. So I, inconspicuously, began to observe him between my sets. He was fearless! Bench-pressing, doing pushups and pull-ups. Watching him this morning somehow made me reflect on how selfish and childish I have been. When I was younger I always would lament on the things that went wrong in my life. But this man who, to me, should have every reason to be upset and mad at the world was not. Instead, he put all of this out his mind and pushed. While I was watching him do pull-ups he slipped and his leg was caught in his wheelchair. I begin to go over to give him some assistant, but when I reached him he was already up. He didn't need any help. He stumble, but was able to handle himself without the assistant of others. "Don't ask for things, if you want something go in get it. Or else you'll never truly own it." This quote came from one of my favorite anime series, Eureka 7. I believe that this quote is a mantra that one could live by. This man didn't accept his situation. He didn't take his lot in life and just bow down. He is fighting the norms and creating someone who is truly unique. I thank this man that I don't know. I thank him for inspiring me to not just accept my lot in life and when I stumble, don't give up and don't look for assistance, just keep pushing through.

I'm sorry I'm just not that into you.

I received a call from my friend yesterday. He told me that he thinks a girl that I liked is interested in him.  I wasn't mad at the fact that she liked him or that he liked her. I did transfer schools, so that gives me no reason to try to hold on to something that was never there. I was upset about what he told me she said earlier in that week. He asked her did she like me. She said she did, but something about me made her iffy about me. She said that I was distant, emotionally distant. That is the reason why she didn't want to pursue a relationship with me. She was scared that she would begin to develop feelings for that and I wouldn't reciprocate. She said that she had gone down that route before and it didn't end well. She grouped me in with these guys that make it a habit to cheat on women. That is not me, and it truly upset me. But this is not the first time that I have heard this. I have been told numerous times that I am emotionally distant. That it seems like I don't really care about anyone but myself. No matter how much I want to say that is truly not me, I have to face facts and the reality of myself. I don't personally invest myself in many people. Not because I think they are not important. I don't invest a lot in people because I am scared to. I am scared to put some part of myself in someone that will not do the same. We learn from our past experiences and I have learned to be weary of many people. Not because of their personal shortcomings but more because of my personal insecurities. I envy those people who can be so open without hesitation. One day soon I hope to be able to do that. But until then Baby Steps!!!