The Chapter's almost over, but I'm not finished reading...

Apprehension: this word sums up my feelings of the future. I fear what will happen next semester as well as next year. It is my fourth year in college and, as convention suggest, I should be preparing for the real world. Or at least a venture into graduate studies. However, I still feel this grave sense of trepidation. As if I am not ready for a world without textbooks and facile organizations.  The outside world is a malevolent beast, ever consuming the souls of good intentioned youths. I don't have the fortitude to withstand such an attack; not yet. Maybe it's irrational, but I wholeheartedly believe if I could hold-off this societal yearning for normative compliance for a few more months maybe even a year, then I would be better-off. Better prepared to face a capitalistic society where one is judged solely on productivity and his net-worth. I can acknowledge my frightfulness. I am scared, not of failure. Well, yes, I am scared of failure. Not in the sense that I will fail to meet societal norms. But in the sense that I will be consumed with such an aspiration, abandoning the things that I hold dear.

I don't care for money, i've never had it. But a few weeks ago I found myself applying to a consumer-banking management training program. All the while thinking; "This will be great, you'll leave college with a great job. What more can you ask for?". I found myself blatantly lying to my interviewer when she questioned me on what I believed to be the societal importance of banking. I couldn't sit there and tell her that I believed this system is built on shaky ground; on the assumption that we will always hold the fiat dollar in covetous reverence. She has chosen to stake her life into such an assumption; that would be disrespectful. And yet, earlier today I began my preparation for the second round of interviews and applications. Should I stop? Should I retract my applications for fear that in attaining this job I lose my self? I don't know, thats something that I will have to deliberate upon when the job is at-hand. 

I haven't applied to law school. Truthfully, I haven't even taking the LSAT. This is because every time I think of my entrance into law school I begin to dream of corporate law. I dream of thwarting class-action law suites raised for legitimate reasons. I was talking to a hiring representative of Georgia Pacific and I was telling him about my aspirations of protecting multi-million dollar companies from frivolous lawsuits levied by disgruntled employees. After all, corporations are people too.  I never had that aspiration until I saw him in that office on that day. 

I have relegated these thoughts to the back of my mind for too long. They need time to questioned; give them some walking around money. Sorry if these seems to be a round-about to say what I really mean. I'm not ready to graduate from college! But there is this pressure for me to graduate in four years; that has never been my goal. I wanted to learn as much as I felt like I needed to learn. I haven't reached that yet. The clock is winding down, however. Soon I will have to make that determination; whether to continue on until I'm fed or join the world. 

Somebody Help!!!