I remember when I saw it, the inconvenient truth within your
tears that wipes away any delusion of happiness or contentment. Perhaps, that’s
too heavy of a pronouncement. Let’s just say, at that moment, you realized that
the Gods offer many passageways through life and we oftentimes take the path of
least resistance; not knowing that this shepherds us to a life full of subtle
regrets and micro-aggressions.
Compunctious your life may be, don’t offer utterance to the fact! You
have love that abides any semblance of misgivings. So, stay strong and make your decisions with
a clear heart and a hearty constitution. Post-hoc examinations of past
decisions only lead to distress. There is only the present, the past doesn’t
exist, all that matters is what we decide today in our beating hearts.
I hope this letter finds you well. For it catches me in the
middle of the night, my heart thumping, and words screaming out of my head. I
have to tell you something, someone something! So, I choose to do it indirectly.
I want to get the words out in the ether, marinate on them a bit, and perhaps
correct them. Then, when I thoroughly understand them, present them with the
heady delivery I always use when I’m impassioned about something; eyes welling
and voice cracking. I want to reignite that fire that sits smoldering in your
stomach. That fire that burned for me, I know it did. That fire that causes you
to curse my name and tell me truths about myself that I am loathed to admit.
I’m not destined to spend forever with you, and that’s okay. I have resigned
myself to a less noble fate. All I want is that smoldering feeling, because I
haven’t felt it since.
I told you that night wasn’t a date. You protested and
declared that, due to our lengthy absence away from each other, it was. We had
to get to know each other again. But I already know you! I know what makes you
cry and I know what makes you laugh. This proved to be wrong early on. You told
me that the food I picked was disgusting and the timing really didn’t match up well
with your sleep schedule; it was already one in the morning. But you endured
through the night. I showed you a city I love and we walked through a park; you
calling me a wimp because I wouldn’t attempt to climb on a train. You, in turn,
showed me where you grew up, naming cousins and the old pervert’s houses as we
drove by. We shared stores of dysfunction while I navigated those country
miles. Dysfunction only understands
dysfunction. That’s why you understand me and I you. Stories of facile love
pervade the past of people like us. That’s why I was both comforted and yet,
disquieted while I watched you walk away. Perhaps I won’ t meet the one who
understands my trepidations or, maybe I did.
We are all but one thing, one substance! While not universally
accepted, I propose we get a glimpse of that truth in love. The desire to form such a bond while
extinguishing thoughts of the self is a sacred thing. It’s the closest that
most of we, laymen, will ever get to enlightenment. Not understanding that this
can extend to all living creatures, we resign ourselves to the search for what
will make us whole.
