It's been to long

I have abandoned my blog and it has been quite some time since I posted anything of substantial value. The last few post were facile at best and this blog is meant to be an exercise in introspection. I find it very difficult to write about topics that might shed light on some of the darker recesses that I possess, that we all posses. However, I see this as a beneficial exercise. When we are able to publicly admit our vices we become more prepared to change them or accept them as a genuine part of us. That being said, today and in later post I will present you a part of myself that doesn't come up in the mundane and facile conversations that we subject ourselves to daily. In these posts I will answer the questions that we are so apt to disregard. 

I fear change more than I fear dying, failing, and other drastic things. Change forces you to, once again, become acquainted to unsavory parts of yourself that have been hiding in the people you know or the things you do. My transition from UAB to UA has reminded me of and exaggerated some of my social vices. One of the things that I've noticed of myself is how desperately I cling to the past. I find myself in conversation talking about things that I did at UAB more then things I am doing now. When I realize what I am doing, I put much more effort into not talking about those things. Along with that, I find myself always thinking about relationship that I have or had in the past. I honestly probably think about the past more than I think about people that are here in the present. (I don't mean past as a finality but in a since of the usual) If I’m going to be completely honest, my actions probably reflect that sort of thinking as well. While I want to maintain those relationships I also need to start building fruitful ones where I am now. I believe this also trickles down to my interaction with women as well. I find myself clinging on to past flings (I wouldn't call them relationships) and not actively trying to search for something new. This is not a new occurrence but I  think it is more personally noticeable now. I have to force myself to actively interact with new girls and not text, call, email, or Facebook chat any of the girls in the past. I enjoy the simplicity of familiarity.  I could delve in to this more but I'm satisfied with it now. Thanks for reading! 

P.S. To the few people who read what I write, I say thank you for being interested in me enough to read some of my rants and reflections. I hope that I am equally interested in you and if I'm not, I should be. So if you have a blog or something similar please send me a link!!! 

Also, this is not a fashion blog or any shit like that. Never expect me to post a picture of shoes or celebrities wearing shoes. I don't give a fuck about fashion. 

Maurice Foster 

working out

I was working out this morning and a paraplegic began working out next to me. I have never seen someone in a wheelchair workout in the rec at UAB so I was interested in what he would do. So I, inconspicuously, began to observe him between my sets. He was fearless! Bench-pressing, doing pushups and pull-ups. Watching him this morning somehow made me reflect on how selfish and childish I have been. When I was younger I always would lament on the things that went wrong in my life. But this man who, to me, should have every reason to be upset and mad at the world was not. Instead, he put all of this out his mind and pushed. While I was watching him do pull-ups he slipped and his leg was caught in his wheelchair. I begin to go over to give him some assistant, but when I reached him he was already up. He didn't need any help. He stumble, but was able to handle himself without the assistant of others. "Don't ask for things, if you want something go in get it. Or else you'll never truly own it." This quote came from one of my favorite anime series, Eureka 7. I believe that this quote is a mantra that one could live by. This man didn't accept his situation. He didn't take his lot in life and just bow down. He is fighting the norms and creating someone who is truly unique. I thank this man that I don't know. I thank him for inspiring me to not just accept my lot in life and when I stumble, don't give up and don't look for assistance, just keep pushing through.

I'm sorry I'm just not that into you.

I received a call from my friend yesterday. He told me that he thinks a girl that I liked is interested in him.  I wasn't mad at the fact that she liked him or that he liked her. I did transfer schools, so that gives me no reason to try to hold on to something that was never there. I was upset about what he told me she said earlier in that week. He asked her did she like me. She said she did, but something about me made her iffy about me. She said that I was distant, emotionally distant. That is the reason why she didn't want to pursue a relationship with me. She was scared that she would begin to develop feelings for that and I wouldn't reciprocate. She said that she had gone down that route before and it didn't end well. She grouped me in with these guys that make it a habit to cheat on women. That is not me, and it truly upset me. But this is not the first time that I have heard this. I have been told numerous times that I am emotionally distant. That it seems like I don't really care about anyone but myself. No matter how much I want to say that is truly not me, I have to face facts and the reality of myself. I don't personally invest myself in many people. Not because I think they are not important. I don't invest a lot in people because I am scared to. I am scared to put some part of myself in someone that will not do the same. We learn from our past experiences and I have learned to be weary of many people. Not because of their personal shortcomings but more because of my personal insecurities. I envy those people who can be so open without hesitation. One day soon I hope to be able to do that. But until then Baby Steps!!!  

Rant about eating

I was eating dinner today in the commons and I saw this girl with pajamas on holding a teddy bear, eating alone. I have never seen this before and it intrigued me. The fact that she was so comfortable with who she was to carry this teddy bear around even when she went to get some more food. I remember having a conversation with her some time ago. I could tell that she didn't remember by the way she responded to my greeting. What I remember from that conversation is that she is a neuroscience major. As I observed her I noticed how spritely she was, very content with being in her on bubble. While I sat, observably tense from the fact that I too was eating alone. I glanced around to observe others who were also eating alone. They seemed just as content as the young girl cuddling the plush toy. Why did I feel so uncomfortable sitting alone? I am, for the most part, alone for most of the day and I find it very satisfying. I am an introvert and I enjoy my time to myself. But, the only time that I feel “alone” is when I eat. With the exception of breakfast, I feel a very unsettling sense of awkwardness when I eat alone in public. Just the word "alone" connotes something undesirable. However, there is one reason why I choose to eat alone. It saves times! Waiting on someone else to arrive and then sitting and talking for 30 to 60 minutes afterward does not seem effective to me in any way. I love to sit with someone who I don't know particularly well and get to know them at a deeper level, but I also love eating and getting back to the task at hand. I don't think this post is about eating. I think that eating provide a nice avenue into what I really want to explore.  However, that will have to wait for another day. Consider this as a little rant and invite yourself to eat with me sometime. 

P.S. To clarify the breakfast comment, I don’t like to talk in the mornings. It is not because I’m not a morning person it is because I appreciate the silence of a new day. I would rather sit alone and stare out the window than be forced to carrier on an unsolicited conversation. But if you do choose to sit down I will be very courteous and speak with you. While other times I will politely ask you to eat somewhere else. (Sorry to those who have received the latter, nothing personal)

introspection: An introduction to Maurice

introspection: An introduction to Maurice: "I have had quite a few interviews throughout the month of February and almost all of them begin with the question, 'tell me about yourself'...."

An introduction to Maurice

I have had quite a few interviews throughout the month of February and almost all of them begin with the question, "tell me about yourself". In a 30 second time frame I begin to spout out mindless facts and accomplishments that could have easily been read on my resume. Leaving me with less time and still no real grasp of who I am, in their case. "Who are you?" I was asked this thought provoking question yesterday by a very interesting girl, but instead of giving a pensive response,  I simply  answered with a simple "I am Maurice Foster". The question of who I am can not be answered in a few simplistic sentences. If we truly desire an answer to this question we must fervently examine ourselves. I have and will continue to devout an extended amount of time to introspection. Through this process, I hope to gain a greater since of who I am. However, I can tell you a few particulars that I feel are true and will remain unchanged throughout this process of self-exploration.  
I am an Introvert
I am a brother but not a son
I am a lover of God
I am a lover of art in all its forms
I am a fan of cartoons,anime, and children cereal (yep I'm that guy)
I am a proud fan of Edgar Allen Poe and will defend his genius at all times
I am a lover of horrible movies and black and white movies
These are just a few things that I believe represent me.This blog will be a chronicle of me and all my eccentricities